| Professor Charles Gustave Pringle-Hingle, visiting professor of Biological Inter-species Communication (BIC), from the University of Uppsallamonerigaloftaliga, Latvia (UUL), has had remarkable success in interviewing animals that most of the world consider 'dumb'. He has been able to communicate with not only cats, dogs, and ferrets, but actually published a monograph about his conversation with a chicken ("Cluck, Cluck, Chuck" in Nature July 1993). But this is his major break-through, and it was accomplished at this ACADEMY! Warm welcome to our newest faculty member. | |
How he accomplished this with a snake is an amazing feat in itself, considering that snakes are only slightly more intelligent than chickens, and have no vocal mechanism. He himself admits that he was lucky in finding a direct descendant of the Eden reptile (Reptilicus Adameveus, a relative of the Anaconda), or as some bigots in the area put it, the spawn of Satan. It was a smart snake that was able to communicate by writhing on a specially designed sand table of the professor's design (similar to one of those childs' scratchpads where you indent a message and then lift up the transparent sheet to erase it). |
CGPH (Q): Are you quite comfortable now that I've fed you a nice rat? Your throat looks a little distended.
Lorenzo the Snake (A): No problem, I'm designed that way and never get discommoded by indigestion or immobility, unless I am fooled into eating a rock that looks like food. But it's very hard to fool me, even with my pea-sized brain. If it squirms, it's edible.
(Q): Do you ever find it inconvenient not having arms, legs, or in fact any manipulative organs at all?
(A): What are those? My body is very agile without them, and I can't get stuck in anything my head (or what I've swallowed) won't fit in. I have an extemely versatile tongue that can both smell and taste, a heat sensor in my head (you sure as hell don't have one), and a nice scaly skin that doesn't require any upkeep and never itches, so I don't need to scratch.
(Q): Never itch? Also your tongue is not as wet and versatile as a cat's so you cannot groom yourself.
(A): Of course I itch, or get scratched up, every now and then. No problem -- I can tie myself up in knots to rub any part of myself that needs it.
(Q):What do you do about sex since you do not seem to have any sensitive bits?
(A): If you were a snake you wouldn't need to ask. We writhe together -- and yes I do have a penis even if you can't see it.
(Q): You don't have any eyelids, so what do you do when grit gets in your eye?
(A): Don't need eyelids, my eyes are not wet like yours and have a very thick cornea. I do have to say though that your cigarette smoke is bothering me -- not so much my eyes as my tongue. Would you please exhale away from my face?
(Q): Sorry about that. Since you have no defense mechanisms, such as arms and claws, how do you deal with your enemies like eagles and mongooses?
(A): Funny you should ask that. Have you noticed my fangs, and the great strength I have when curling my body about your neck?
(Q): Aaargh.