The Monsters of History

Here is a list of the some of the most notorious 'bad people' in history, in no particular order, with a capsule excuse for each of them.

• Ghengis Khan -- showed those European snobs what an Asian can do
• Attila the Hun -- got rid of all those German upstarts, the Nibelungs
• Ivan the Terrible -- he civilized Russia and built Moscow cathedral
• Napoleon -- he pushed the British Empire to its greatness by taking on those arrogant SOB's like Nelson and Wellington
• Stalin -- he took care of overpopulation in his country and killed all the smart people who would have perverted the course of Marxism
• Mao Tse Tung -- he did too, but also wrote poetry (not good, but adequate, because he killed all the scholars that might have criticized it)
• Pol Pot -- got rid of all the lawyers and doctors in Cambodia
• Hitler -- solved German economic inflation and improved industry
• Mussolini -- got the trains to run on time
• Oliver Cromwell -- destroyed feudalism but liked good music
• Louis XIV, the Sun King -- destroyed France with his arrogance, therefore opening the world to the superiority of the British
• Milosovic -- destroyed Yugoslavia by restoring Serbian pride and becoming the most hated war criminal of the last year of the millennium
• Idi Amin -- tossed the fat cats to crocodiles, a really jolly good fellow
• King Richard III -- was so wicked, he is a hero
• King John -- was so bad, we now have constitutional law
• Aaron Burr -- killed that arrogant shit banker/lawyer Hamilton, and had the decency to do it in New Jersey rather than New York
• Judas Iscariot -- he needed the money, and didn't buy all that son of god bull anyway
• Brutus -- was convinced that his friend Caesar was less important than preventing a dictatorship, but went a bit 'tu' far
• Charles Manson -- left Roman Polanski free to marry again (or whatever)
• Chapman (murderer of John Lennon) -- sorry, have nothing to say in his favor
• Ethel Rosenberg -- not guilty, improperly executed, she was not a spy (though she was an evil communist) -- bad thing was that it took about 15 minutes and lots of jolts in the electric chair to send her off, whereas Julius just got zapped away
• Iago -- had something against black people, but he was Italian and didn't know better
• Goneril and Regan -- their father was such an ass, who can blame them?
• John Wilkes Booth -- vindicated the bad actors' guild and showed they could accompish something
• Elisabeth Bathory, Countess Dracula -- she bathed in the fresh blood of children but kept her youthful and engaging looks thereby. 'twas only vanity, not evil really
• Vlad Tepes, Count Dracula -- hard to justify him, but he did impale all those Turkish bastards
• Cher -- she dumped Sonny didn't she, how cruel and wicked can you be? But she behaved well during the funeral stuff and didn't call him idiotic for the way he died, even if she called him idiot throughout the divorce proceedings
• Robert E. Lee -- nobody has ever considered him evil, I don't know why, because he caused thousands of deaths, but he was a noble gentleman
• Galileo -- only the Catholic Chuch ever considered him wicked, but they finally withdrew his excommunication on a heresy charge 400 years after he died
• Richard Nixon -- a horse's ass from birth, but vindicated by old age
• Ronald Reagan -- nobody ever said he was bad, I just want to reinforce that fact even though he has been dead for twenty years
• Rudolph Giuliani -- Bad? Nah, just mean-spirited. A monster? Well, let's not criticize people for their appearance
• Emperor Nero -- promoted good music and urban renewal
• Caligula -- liked horses and encouraged theology (his own godhood)
• Caracala -- promoted public bathing before killing Christians (Croatians?) in the amphitheatre
• Guy Fawkes -- a scapegoat to burn every year, but he was too stupid in his plot to blow up Parliament and probably had decent motives
• The Sheriff of Nottingham -- he was only doing his duty
• Evelyn Wurstofhal -- Who? (Sorry, she hasn't been born yet)
• Satan -- has bad press