A New Theory about the Origin of the Universe
The Cosmic Smart Bomb
The Three Egg Theorem
Our astronomy department (Professors Grigg and Turgissen) got drunk a couple of months ago and came up with this theory. After proposal to the science faculty and students, it became an acceptable explanation of the universe and is now here presented for your examination. No scientists specializing in this subject anywhere else have been able to refute it.
What Is the Universe?
Well, there was a Big Bang at the start. What caused it, we don't know. Could have been a stray projectile from a war in another universe. That is the basis of the Grigg-Turgissen theory as initially proposed. After some thought and discussion in seminars, it was decided that it is impossible to find out where this original "Smart Bomb" (as they termed it) came from, hence no proof one way or another of some super-universal god. But the argument that the Big Bang could have been caused by a bomb from somewhere else is irrefutable.
The Smart Bomb
What was it? Who can possibly know? Likely as not it was not made of any element present in our universe, or maybe of all of them at the same time, something else that when exploded turned into our universal quarks and all that. But wherever it exploded was NOWHERE (except in the other place) and just instantly became OUR space.
What Did It Consist of?
There is no way to determine that, and the term Bomb is just an analogy -- all we know is that there was an explosion that created the universe. People can write Scripture and Bibles about the creator(s) of this event, but will never be able to prove anything since there can be no communication with that 'other' place. It is no longer related to us by time or dimension (if it ever was, except for that flukey missile, perhaps a doomsday weapon that went wrong*).
* Theologians, especially if they want to make up a new religion, might like to play on this theme, that a God above their gods let them destroy their universe through wickedness and impiety but allowed their seed to blossom into ours.
Its makeup, however, is decucible by analysis.
A Structural Analysis: Three Eggs
If the hypothesis of the "Smart Bomb" from another universe is accepted, then one is led to accept Professor Turgissen's analysis of what it must have constituted (although we will welcome other opinions at the Academy). You also have to accept the axiom that a lot develops from a very little, a fact we already know, both emotionally and scientifically. (1) The outer shell became all the matter in our universe, (2) the inner protective material generated all the gods and angels and devils, (3) the warhead created all life, (4) the explosion itself provided all of the energy in the new universe.
As philosophically agnostic in our academic approach, we seriously questioned #2, but were won over by Grigg's argument that if there weren't a stratum of deities and demons there would be absolutely no explanation of human luck and misfortune. We accept the genies in life now, although it is improper to give them names (else you get into real trouble).
Where Turgissen came up with his thesis title "Three Eggs" we don't know -- and do not really care, even though his hobby is raising pet chickens -- it just sounds catchy enough to attract media attention, which the Academy could certainly use these days.
The Universe |
Evolution | The Academy of Arts and Imbecility
Copyright © 2003 by Grobius Shortling
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