Today is September 11, 2002
(well, it was on the day this page was written)
The Academy of Arts and Imbecility
An Interview with Chancellor Grobius Shorting
Question: Has This Site Dried up and Become Static?
Grobius: Well, yes, sort of, apart from occasional cosmetic changes and updates.
Q: Is this because of the 9/11 events last year?
G: Not really, although we used to be able to climb up to the hilltop behind the Academy and see the World Trade Center from a distance -- the only thing we could see of New York City. I used to do that particularly when I was depressed over being out here in New Jersey. That option is now gone (except you can make out the Empire State Building on a clear day as a gray vertical line). Bummer, those Arabs ruining our visionary view.
Q: Why has that affected the operation of the Academy?
G: It hasn't, really. We just withdrew into our academic cocoon and lost our impetus to proselitize Imbecility. You see, we advocated that as a virtue that never caused any harm to others, but then it was proved that imbecility can accomplish great destruction -- something we had never accounted for. Prior acts causing huge loss of life based on imbecilic decisions were not based on malice, just simple blindness and stupidity. Such as your classic warmongers like Kitchener, Haig, the French and German chancellories, etc. in that most pointless of all wars -- the 1914-18 war that destroyed the whole structure of 'Victorian' society, which had reached the highest level of civilization in human history, and led to the horrors of the 20th Century.
Q: Well, what can you do about that?
G: We have an intensive think-tank operation in progress to undermine that most inhuman and moronic religion (note, I said moronic, not imbecilic -- we uphold our standards here), namely Islam. Past experience has shown that you can't subvert these believers with booze and big macs, although it works for the natural imbeciles in that population. We are trying to devise an irrefutable proof that Allah is a woman. Professor Said ibn Sida in our religious department has some ancient manuscripts found in the Empty Quarter by Lawrence of Arabia, but mislaid for many years. He is deciphering them gradually and has come up with some convincing documentation of that fact -- that it was actually Mohammed's niece Yasmak who wrote the Koran while her uncle was in a constant state of drunkenness. We shall see. (In the meantime, we have tripled our security here, because our cause has already leaked out to the Muslim world.)
Q: Isn't that a dumb thing to do, airing your plans on the Internet like this?
G: Sure, that is why we are the Academy of Arts and Imbecility. Don't forget the Arts side. Our artistic approach ensures that nobody will take us seriously until we have progressed enough to become unassailable.
Q: OK. But what are your feelings on this anniversary of the 9/11 disaster?
G: For one thing, apart from their visual impact from a far distance, those buildings were horrible eyesores, tall shoeboxes just begging to be kicked down by any wanton bully. Ronzoni made better art out of them by substituting their spaghetti packages for them in a nice subway ad a few years ago. They were like the unattended sand castle on the beach, that took hours to make and will be tramped over maliciously by any passing yahoo. Window boxes with flowers are trashed by street people just because they know somebody will get upset. A true imbecile will go out of his way to water them when they are wilting.
Q: And...?
G: We knew people who worked there, or were involved in the chaos that day, but escaped. We know nobody who died. So we have no personal grief (just horror at their fate -- the ones stuck at the top of the North Tower). The firemen were just doing their job, which is hazardous in the first place. Heroic? Sure.
Saints? Doubt it. This business of the holy crusade to rid the world of terrorism has just gone down the drain into political argument, and caused unneeded aggravation to thousands of sports fans, etc. who have to go though a lot of crap just to go to a game, ride a plane, or whatever. It was nice that Butch Bush destroyed the Taliban government -- they were morons -- and replaced them with the sort of imbeciles we are comfortable with as long as they stay in their back yard and kill moles or whatever they do for amusement.
Q: What about the proposed plans for reconstructing the site?
G: Oh, our department of Architecture has come up with a plan that beats those silly proposals hands down. You know how the Eiffel Tower rises on four splayed legs with open space beneath? This structure would be similar, based on the four corners of Ground Zero, leaving the Holy Footprints in the middle for a humongous cemetery/memorial park. Down the legs would run funicular railways linking to all the subway lines in lower Manhattan. The building above the splayed legs would be one mile tall and have anti-aircraft missile defences at every 20th floor. At the very top (apart from the 900-foot TV antenna) would be the most expensive health spa/country club/racquet ball court/restaurant/and condos in the world -- whose rents would subsidize all the low-cost housing/pizza parlors/anything-stores in the legs, with office space and a new stock exchange up in the middle bit. St Paul's Chapel would have to be removed because one of the legs would take up its site, but it would be transposed intact to a galleria level at the 75th floor of the building. Some people in the department would want the Woolworth building taken down because it would spoil the view, but I don't agree with that....
Q: Any other thoughts on this occasion?
G: It just occurred to me that Mohammed was a child-molester -- I'll have to investigate that some more. Also the possibility of putting four Muezzin towers flanking the TV antenna, to discourage terrorists. Otherwise, none in particular, except that I hope the heat wave will break today.
Q: Thank you very much, Mr. Shortling. I have to admit that you said some very idiotic things, but as a journalist I have to appreciate your point of view.
G: NOT idiotic, imbecilic please. But thank you for listening to me. By the way, am I being paid for this?